Years ago, I bought my mother a sex toy.
She was in her late sixties. A powerhouse. A woman who had built a life, a career, and a family.
And in that moment she looked at me and said, “Really?”
Not shock — more hesitation.
In that hesitation, I could feel a lifetime of what she had learned and accepted, all of it sitting in that pause, shaping what she believed was hers to claim.
But there was something else, too.
A curious glimmer in her eyes, like she was brushing up against a possibility she hadn’t considered before… or hadn’t allowed herself to.
That her pleasure could exist on its own. That it didn’t belong to anyone else. That it was hers to decide, to explore, to enjoy.
She didn’t say anything else.
But I knew she was going to try it.
We Tend to Underestimate The Forces That Shape our Desires
Societal norms. Family expectations. Beliefs formed long before we knew to question them.
By the time we’re adults, they feel so natural we don’t even notice them. They feel like reality.
So much of women’s lives is organized around others — being needed, caring, showing up in ways that are generous and responsible.
And when she begins to turn toward herself — toward her desire, her pleasure, the parts of her that were set aside — it doesn’t always feel like freedom.
It can feel like a disruption.
Because a woman choosing herself still unsettles the world around her.
I watched this play out on the Netflix reality show Age of Attraction where men and women meet and connect without knowing each other’s age. Only later do they find out — and decide whether to continue the relationship in the real world.
What stood out was how differently men and women responded to the same desire.
Many of the men over forty followed their attraction to younger women easily, with little pause around how it might be perceived.
The women, particularly those over fifty, struggled with how dating a younger man would be received.
They weighed the impact of the disapproval they instinctively knew they would face.
This was no longer about who they felt a connection with. It was about whether they had permission.
And relearning what you’re allowed to claim doesn’t happen all at once.
It begins in small ways — in the moments you take time to yourself, without explaining it… without earning it… without adjusting yourself to make others comfortable.
Over time, those moments build, until following what you want no longer feels like something you have to justify.
Because not everyone was taught to question it in the first place.
Men are given permission to follow their desires — all of them. Women learn to quiet theirs.
Eventually, those patterns stop feeling separate.
They feel like us.
And that’s what I felt, standing there with her.
The intersection of everything she had been taught — the beliefs, the expectations, the rules she had learned to live by.
I could feel those ties beginning to loosen.
Because for the first time, her pleasure wasn’t being judged. It was being honoured.
It gave her space to question what she had been taught.
To see what had been shaping her — and to choose differently.
To choose herself.
This week, I invite you into a gentle exploration:
- Where in your life are you still asking for permission — instead of choosing yourself?
